10 FACTS ABOUT YOU

A young girl walks past a basket of apples and reads a sign:"Take one apple only, God is watching."

She then walks past a jar of cookies. On the jar is a sign:"Take as many cookies as you want. God is watching the apples."

A woman goes to the doctor with little bruises on her face.

The doctor asks: "What happened?"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time
my husband comes home drunk, he slaps me around."

The doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When
your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of water
and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish
but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking
fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every
time my husband came home drunk, I swished with water. I
swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!

How does the water do that?"

The doctor says: "The water does nothing. It's keeping
your mouth shut that does the trick........"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MqcxBa2K7Mw&feature=related            
You say it BEST when you say NOTHING at all

3 APPLES CHANGE THAT CHANGED THE WORLD

IQUIT

I RELATED PRODUCTS

MIGRATING TO A COUNTRY

A Chinaman decides to retire and move to A after 50 years of
living in Shanghai.

He bought a home on a small piece of land . A few days after movingin, the friendly A neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way, he sees the Chinaman running around his frontyard chasing after 10 hens.

Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decides to put
the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to
knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the
Chinaman urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to
interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next
door, he sees the Chinaman leading a bull down the drive-way,
...pause...., and then  put his  left ear next to the bull's butt.

The A bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinaman and
says, 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I
come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens.The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's butt, it could just about shit on you.'

The Chinaman is very taken back and says, 'Sorry sir, you no
understand, these no ...  Chinese customs I doing, these A Customs.'

'What do you mean mate' says the A, 'Those aren't A customs.'

Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me' replied the Chinaman, 'He
say to become true A, I must learn to

..... chase chicks,
..... get piss drunk, and
.... listen to bull-shit.'

GREAT EINSTEIN AND SOME REAL INCIDENTS

The Great Einstein and Some Real Incidents

(I like the last one! )

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One day during a speaking tour, Albert Einstein's driver, who often sat at the back of the hall during his lectures, remarked that he could probably give the lecture himself, having heard it so many times. Sure enough, at the next stop on the tour, Einstein and the driver switched places, with Einstein sitting at the back in his driver's uniform.

Having delivered a flawless lecture, the driver was asked a difficult question by a member of the audience. "Well, the answer to that question is quite simple," he casually replied. "I bet my driver, sitting up at the back there, could answer it!"

============ ========= ========= =========

Albert Einstein's wife often suggested that he dress more professionally when he headed off to work. "Why should I?" he would invariably argue. "Everyone knows me there." When the time came for Einstein to attend his first major conference, she begged him to dress up a bit. "Why should I?" said Einstein. "No one knows me there!"

============ ========= ========= =========

Albert Einstein was often asked to explain the general theory of relativity. "Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour," he once declared. "Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity!"

============ ========= ========= =========

When Albert Einstein was working in Princeton university, one day he was going back home he forgot his home address. The driver of the cab did not recognise him. Einstein asked the driver if he knows Einstein's home. The driver said "Who does not know Einstein's address? Everyone in Princeton knows. Do you want to meet him? Einstein replied "I am Einstein. I forgot my home address, can you take me there? "The driver reached him to his home and did not even collect his fare from him.

============ ========= ========= =========

Einstein was once traveling from Princeton on a train when the conductor came down the aisle, punching the tickets of every passenger. When he came to Einstein, Einstein reached in his vest pocket. He couldn't find his ticket, so he reached in his trouser pockets. It wasn't there, so he looked in his briefcase but couldn't find it. Then he looked in the seat beside him. He still couldn't find it.

The conductor said, 'Dr. Einstein, I know who you are. We all know who you are. I'm sure you bought a ticket. Don't worry about it.'

Einstein nodded appreciatively. The conductor continued down the aisle punching tickets. As he was ready to move to the next car, he turned around and saw the great physicist down on his hands and knees looking under his seat for his ticket.

The conductor rushed back and said, 'Dr. Einstein, Dr. Einstein, don't worry, I know who you are. No problem. You don't need a ticket. I'm sure you bought one.'

Einstein looked at him and said, 'Young man, I too, know who I am. What I don't know is where I'm going.'

WIFE

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Lee Majors

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Al Gore

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Mike Tyson

The great question.. which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
George Clooney

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Bill Clinton

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
George W. Bush

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Rudy Giuliani

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
Michael Jordan

"I've had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.” The third gave me more children!
Donald Trump

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Shaquille O’Neal

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Kobe Bryant

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
David Hasselhoff

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Alec Baldwin

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Barack Obama

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Tommy Lee

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Brad Pitt

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Jimmy Kimmel

“Honey, what happened to ‘ladies first’?” Husband replies, “That’s the reason why the world’s a mess today, because a lady went first!”
David Letterman
“First there’s the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then the wedding ring...soon after....comes Suffer...ing!
Jay Leno

HAVE AN INDIAN BRAIN

Have a good laugh!

Mathematician:  How do you write 4 in between 5?  Chinese :  Is this a joke? Japanese :  Impossible! American : The question 's all wrong! British :      It's not found on the Internet    And the Indian answer:-           Indian:  F(IV)E   This is the reason why Indians are everywhere in the world: in finance, business, medicine, engineering.... anything to do with using both sides of the brain.

KOPI OR BREAD IS MORE TALKATIVE

HAVE A GOOD LAUGH, FOR THE DAY !!!
Kopi or Bread

This is good .....hahaha.... your answer sure wrong...I bet.  For laughs鈥�   Kopi and bread . Which is more talkative, kopi or bread ? *Scroll down for the answer .... Answer: Bread. Because BreadTalkbut Kopitiam!?!

 

JOKE - SUNDAY

SUNDAY
   

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland .  As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.  She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.  'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'  She then asked, 'What do you do in  America  with your old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'

JOKE - SATURDAY

SATURDAY 

 

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at theCountry Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.  His buddies at the club are all aghast.  At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'  Bob replies, 'Girlfriend?  She's my wife!'  They are knocked over, but continue to ask.  'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'  'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90..'

JOKE - FRIDAY

FRIDAY 

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in  Tampa  .  'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.  Chinese food is loaded with MSG.  High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water..  However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' 

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

JOKE - THURSDAY

THURSDAY 

 

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.  She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.  Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.

 

'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'