Thursday, 31 January 2013

Wednesday, 30 January 2013


Daddy, how was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born ?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button , nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

Scroll'll love this!! ......

"You got Male!"

Monday, 28 January 2013

Sunday, 27 January 2013


An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '£165,000'.

The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you £25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you £25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the £25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.' The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him £100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank  !'

Saturday, 26 January 2013


HA! HA! HA! HA!.

Friday, 25 January 2013

Thursday, 24 January 2013

Wednesday, 23 January 2013


A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,

"I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".

"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".

She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

"Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."

Sunday, 20 January 2013


80-year Morris (Van Buerle?) returns from the doctor who has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,

'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.

Could we please do it one more time?'

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has
only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.' 

She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.

Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...'

At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough!!

I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'

Thursday, 17 January 2013


2 . Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is like expecting the lion not to attack you because you are a vegetarian . Think about it . 

Wednesday, 16 January 2013


1 . If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry! Just remove the damn battery from the clock and Enjoy life! 

Tuesday, 15 January 2013

SCHOOL 1950 VS 2010 (5)

Scenario :
Johnny falls over while running during morning break and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. She hugs him to comfort him.

1950 -
 In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing footie. No damage done.

2010 -
 Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy and ends up gay. 

Monday, 14 January 2013

SCHOOL 1950 VS 2010 (4)

Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1950 -
 Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2010 -
 Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care; joins a gang; ends up in jail. 

Saturday, 12 January 2013

SCHOOL 1950 VS 2010 (3)

Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1950 -
 Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with. Passes exams, becomes a solicitor.

2010 -
 Police called, car searched for drugs and weapons. Mark expelled from school for drug taking. Ends up as a drop out.

Friday, 11 January 2013

SCHOOL 1950 VS 2010 (2)

Scenario :
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1950 -
 Robbie sent to the office and given six of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2010 -
 Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD – result deemed to be positive. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and school gets extra funding from government because Robbie has a disability. 

Wednesday, 9 January 2013

SCHOOL 1950 & 2010 (1)

SCHOOL - 1950  vs. 2010
Scenario :
Johnny and Mark get into a fight after school.

1950 -
 Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends.

2010 -
 Police called, and they arrest Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programmes for 3 months. School governors hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programmes.