Man with the BIGGEST cock I've ever seen

Dear Friends,

A picture of a Man with his really big cock.
Heaven forgive your Dirty mind

Don't break the elastic

To my phenomenal friends! 
  
Read to the end, you will laugh just picturing it happening.
I love the thoughts she lives by!!!
I didn't break the  elastic...


Don't  break the elastic!
In April, Maya Angelou was interviewed by  Oprah on her 70+ birthday. Oprah asked her what she thought of  growing older.
And, there on television, she said it was  'exciting...'
Regarding body changes, she said there were many,  occurring every day.....like her breasts. They seem to be in a  race to see which will reach her waist, first.

The audience  laughed so hard they cried. She is such a simple and honest woman,  with so much wisdom in her words!

Maya Angelou said  this:
'I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it  seems today, life does go on, and it will be better  tomorrow.'

'I've learned that you can tell a lot about a  person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day,  lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.'

'I've  learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents,  you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.'

'I've  learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as making a  life.'

'I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second  chance.'

'I've learned that you shouldn't go through life  with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw  some things back...'

'I've learned that whenever I decide  something with an open heart, I usuall y make the right  decision.'

'I've learned that even when I have pains, I  don't have to be one.'

'I've learned that every day you  should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or  just a friendly pat on the back....'

'I've learned that I  still have a lot to learn..'

'I've learned that people will  forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people  will never forget how you made them feel.'

Please send this  to five phenomenal women today... and  back to me if you think I'm one also.
If you do, something good  will happen: You will boost another woman's self-esteem.

If  you don't....the elastic will break and your underpants will fall  down around your ankles!
Believe me, I didn't take any chances  on MY elastic breaking.....I sent it to a lot of special women I  care for. 
 

BRILLIANT JOKE

To: 

An absolutely Brilliant Joke, ENJOY!!! ..................... A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog In a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times of it!" The woman Said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will Be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM- she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM- she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like to have a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good! Male readers: Please scroll down. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The man had a heart attack ten times "milder" than his wife!!! Moral of the story : Women only think they're really smart . Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

Seow Foong and the screwing Lawyer .....

The “mummy” first looked through the peep-hole, and saw a good-looking

face.  She opened the heavy door, and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed,

and handsome man in his late forties or early fifties.

'May I help you sir?' she asked.

'I want to see Seow Foong,' the man replied.

'Mister, Seow Foong is one of our most expensive ladies.

Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the mummy.

'No, I must see Seow Foong,' he replied.

Just then, Seow Foong gorgeously appeared and announced to the man she

charged 5,000 ringgit a visit.  Without hesitation, the man pulled out a bundle

of notes, countered them, and handed to Seow Foong.  They then went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Seow Foong.

Seow Foong again explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as

she was too expensive.   And that there was to be no discount.  It was still RM5,000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Seow Foonge, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.  Everyone was most astounded that

he came for a third consecutive night, but he paid Seow Foong and they went upstairs.

After their session, Seow Foong said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three

nights in a row. Where are you from?'.

The man replied, 'Penang, Cintra Street.'.

'Really?' she said. 'I have my family in Cintra Street too.'

'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her lawyer.

She asked me to give you your 15,000 ringgit inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that there are three things in life that are certain:

1. Death
2. Inheritance, if there is anything left.
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Ha ! have a good laugh

A  18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says 'who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later an AMG Mercedes stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Mercedes and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them:

Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take responsibility for my actions.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account..

If twins, they will each receive a factory and $2,000,000 .'

Finally, for causing such social embarrassment and distress to you both I would like to offer $1,000,000 in compensation, my private yacht, and Gold Coast penthouse to be at your disposal at any time.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent the entire time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him..

'You do again.'

ELECTION JOKE

THIS IS A NON-PARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY All PARTIES!
NOT ONLY THAT-- it iS POLITICALLY ABSOLUTELY  CORRECT!!

While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the  entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.. 'Before you settle in,  it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I  have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,'  says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with  that, St. Peter  escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down  to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green  golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it  are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with  him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had  while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a  friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and  champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time  to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group  of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.  They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by  and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and  another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it  before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but  I think I would be better off  in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,  down, down to hell.

Now the doors of  the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with  waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his  shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says,'Yesterday we were campaigning... ... 

Today you voted

Poems written by WIFE and HUSBAND...

WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.

HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Guinness.
He saw me in the dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.

HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?

WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but laughing at you.