TWO OLD FOGEYS

Two old fogeys

Two very elderly friends, Max and Gus, met in the park every day to feed the
pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Gus didn't
show up. Max didn't think much about it, figured maybe he had a cold or some
such.

But after Gus hadn't shown up for a week or so Max really got worried.
The only time they spent together was at the park, and Max couldn't remember
where Gus said he lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to
him.

A month passed and Max figured old Gus had gone to his heavenly reward, but
one day Max approached the park and, lo and behold, there sat Gus!

Max was very excited and happy to see him and told him so! Then he said,
"For crying out loud Gus, what happened to you???"

"I have been in jail," Gus
replied.
"Jail?" cried Max, "What in the world for?"

"Well," Gus said, "You know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at
the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?"

"Yeah" said Max, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day last month she got mad at me and to get even, she
charged me with rape. I was so proud of what everyone would think an old
goat like me could still do, that when I got into court, I pled
'Guilty'."

"The judge took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury."

BP great story

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?' 'I'm out of gas,' the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. 'Try it now,' said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'? The bee answered, Wait for it. wait for it..

You're just gonna love this..

TWO OLD GALS

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking..

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

Football - Why 45 minutes

With World Cup just round the corner, some basic simple facts that you've just got to know. So, tell me WHY?

Why football is played for 45 minutes in each half?

Those who thought of this must have lots of time
Why people play football for 45 minutes, not 30 minutes or 1 hour?
Even the sports scientist and some of the senior players could not give the right answer.
In that confusing situation one person came up with a reasonable answer.

He said......."The reason people play this game for 45 minutes is...

There are 2 teams and there are 11 players in each team.
Each player brings his own "2 balls"
So in total there are 44 balls.
There is one ball on the ground itself. Thus the grand total is 45.

Question Answered !!!

Sometimes there is extra time of 2 mins which is the referee's balls!



HeHeHe......



Cheers!

Man with the BIGGEST cock I've ever seen

Dear Friends,

A picture of a Man with his really big cock.
Heaven forgive your Dirty mind

Don't break the elastic

To my phenomenal friends! 
  
Read to the end, you will laugh just picturing it happening.
I love the thoughts she lives by!!!
I didn't break the  elastic...


Don't  break the elastic!
In April, Maya Angelou was interviewed by  Oprah on her 70+ birthday. Oprah asked her what she thought of  growing older.
And, there on television, she said it was  'exciting...'
Regarding body changes, she said there were many,  occurring every day.....like her breasts. They seem to be in a  race to see which will reach her waist, first.

The audience  laughed so hard they cried. She is such a simple and honest woman,  with so much wisdom in her words!

Maya Angelou said  this:
'I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it  seems today, life does go on, and it will be better  tomorrow.'

'I've learned that you can tell a lot about a  person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day,  lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.'

'I've  learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents,  you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.'

'I've  learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as making a  life.'

'I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second  chance.'

'I've learned that you shouldn't go through life  with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw  some things back...'

'I've learned that whenever I decide  something with an open heart, I usuall y make the right  decision.'

'I've learned that even when I have pains, I  don't have to be one.'

'I've learned that every day you  should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or  just a friendly pat on the back....'

'I've learned that I  still have a lot to learn..'

'I've learned that people will  forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people  will never forget how you made them feel.'

Please send this  to five phenomenal women today... and  back to me if you think I'm one also.
If you do, something good  will happen: You will boost another woman's self-esteem.

If  you don't....the elastic will break and your underpants will fall  down around your ankles!
Believe me, I didn't take any chances  on MY elastic breaking.....I sent it to a lot of special women I  care for. 
 

BRILLIANT JOKE

To: 

An absolutely Brilliant Joke, ENJOY!!! ..................... A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog In a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times of it!" The woman Said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will Be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM- she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM- she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like to have a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good! Male readers: Please scroll down. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The man had a heart attack ten times "milder" than his wife!!! Moral of the story : Women only think they're really smart . Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!