HOW NICE I'D GONE DEAF

An Irish man who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

BEAUTY BUT USELESS IN ...

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"

That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs.. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight!"

BE DISCREET AND GENTLE

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment, when
Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops
dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue to play while standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Okay, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to
be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet!!! I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

SMART KID

SHOOT WHO

MAKE BEST USE

HEAD ROLL

SMART KID

A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money.

He calls home.

'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing...they actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'

So his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. 
'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know. 
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer with Slater and Gordon.

THAT KID NEVER LEARNS

A young boy enters a barber shop and the

barber whispers to his customer, “This is the 

dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I 

prove it to you.”


The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and 

two quarters in the other, then calls the boy 

over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”

The boy takes the quarters and leaves the 

dollar.



“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That 

kid never learns!”


Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the 

same young boy coming out of the ice cream 

store and says, “Hey, son! May I ask you a 

question? Why did you take the quarters 

instead of the dollar bill?”


The boy licked his ice cream cone and 

replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, 

the game’s over!”