WHAT IS CERTAIN IN LIFE

The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.  'May I help you sir?' she asked. 'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.  'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam. 'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.   Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000. Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'. The man replied, 'Ontario'. 'Really,' she said. 'I have family in Ontario. 'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to personally give you your $15,000 inheritance. ' The moral of the story is that there are three things in life that are certain: 1.  Death 2.  Taxes 3.  Being screwed by a lawyer

YOU ARE THE SAME

A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw 

Steven Spielberg.



As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks 

for his autograph.


Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people 

bombed our Pearl Harbour, get outta here."

The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who 

bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied 

Spielberg.


In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank 

the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."

Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, 

not me."


The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the 

same."

NO PAPER ON THIS SIDE EITHER

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either."

PUT DOWN THAT DAMN GUN

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary, my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun.' "

PLEASE DON'T TELL ME

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery"

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me"

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

WINDOWS VS FORD MOTOR

Windows vs. Ford Motor Co.

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." 

In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........twice a day.

2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4.... Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5..... Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6..... The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

I love the next one!

7....... The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?"before deploying.

8........ Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9......... Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10.......... You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call "customer service" in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!
Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer!