TYPING CLASS

Post by Gerald Grable.

THE DIVORCED BARBIE DOLL

The Divorced Barbie Doll One day a father on his way home from work on his daughter's birthday pops into a toy shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'  The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'. The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?' The salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's testicles.

PLANE LANDED IN HIGHWAY

Malaysian Simple Life formula 12345

Malasyians’ Practice for Simple Living 12345”as follows, 

5 - Five Children
4 - Four Wives
3 - Three Figure Salary
2 - Two Wheels
1 - One low-cost government flat

MY YOUNG WIFE IS PREGRANT

A 90 year old man marries an 18yr old woman and goes to a doctor.

MAN:  My 18 year wife is pregnant, your opinion doctor?

Dr Blaze: ok, Let me tell you a story..A hunter in a hurry, grabs an umbrella instead of a gun. He moves into the jungle, sees a lion, lifts the umbrella, pulls the handle & BANG.. the lion drops dead.!

Old man: That's impossible, someone else must have shot the lion.

LAUGHTER IS INFECTIOUS

BEAUTY CONTEST

SECRET RECIPE IN BUILDING HEALTHY BODY

I CAN'T MARRY YOU

GF: - When Are you going to Marry me..
BF: - I'm sorry..I can't...my family don't agree..

GF: - who's in your family..
BF: - MY WIFE and TWO Kids...

NEW BOWLING VIDOE

Post by Interesting Things.

JUST FOR LAUGHS

Just for laughs

A Detail Report;

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

WELL DONE

KISS ME

EFFICIENT WAY OF SHOPPING

WHY MAN AND WOMAN CANNOT BE EQUAL

SMART ROBOT

CHOOSE BAG WISELY

REMEMBER FAIRIES ARE FEMALE

40 years of marriage . . .

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said,

'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old. The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female...

CAREFUL WHEN WITH WIFE

DON'T JUDGE

WASHING MACHINE AND HAND WASH

A man is walking behind his wife and says,
"Baby, your ass is getting so fat, it's looking
like a washing machine."
The woman keeps quiet and keeps walking .
Bedtime comes around , the man is asking for sex.

The woman says:
"I'm not starting the washing machine for such
a small load.
You'll have to hand-wash it !"

REPLY TO MISS PRETTY FROM CEO FROM JP MORGAN

This might be the best thing I’ve seen in a while:

A reply from CEO of J.P. Morgan to a pretty girl seeking a rich husband

A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:

Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?

I’m going to be honest of what I’m going to say here.

I’m 25 this year. I’m very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above.
You might say that I’m greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York.
My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married?

I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you?

Among those I’ve dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit.
If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York City Garden(?), $250k annual income is not enough.

I’m here humbly to ask a few questions:

1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)
2) Which age group should I target?
3) Why most wives of the riches are only average-looking? I’ve met a few girls who don’t have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys.
4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)

Ms. Pretty

A philosophical reply from CEO of J.P. Morgan:

Dear Ms. Pretty,

I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyse your situation as a professional investor.

My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I’m not wasting time here.

From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain.

Put the details aside, what you’re trying to do is an exchange of “beauty" and “money" : Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square.

However, there’s a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can’t be prettier year after year.

Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It’s not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worse 10 years later.
By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a “trading position".

If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term - same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or “leased".

Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income.This has better chance than finding a rich fool.

Hope this reply helps.

signed,
J.P. Morgan CEO

DOES IT MAKE SENSE ?

Does it makes sense?

 

Chinese Wisdom

Woman asks: If I sleep with 3 men, everyone calls me a slut. But when a man sleeps with 10 girls, everyone calls him a real man. How come?   Chinese Man replies: It's very simple. Confucius say 'When one lock can be opened by 3 different keys, it's a bad lock. But when one key can open 10 different locks, we call it a master key!'.

 

SURE YOU WILL LAUGH

PAY YOUR BILL

Never take advantage of your friend's help...... 

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

MORAL:  'Pay your bills' :)

 

 

NO CLOTH TO WEAR

THING CHANGED OVER TIME

ANYTHING MAY HAPPEN

SEEING IS DECEIVING

HOW FUN ARE YOU?

FINE MEAL AT BOYFRIEND'S HOUSE

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.

Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing! Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

SMART INVESTMENT

A Singapore millionaire, William, secretly maintained a mistress in Hong Kong , bought a posh sea view apartment (in his own name) for her to live in, plus gave her a monthly allowance of US$5,000. The house cost him about US$700,000 in 2005. The affair lasted for 5 years.

He sold the house this year for $3.8 million, after they broke up. 

A quick calculation shows that after 5 years of a fling with the woman, he still had a net gain of $2.8 million plus six years of FREE SEX.

When his wife found out about this, he offers the $2.8 million to her.
But she was still not happy ........... , and she was very mad at him and gave him a big mouthful...

She yelled at him at the top of her voice and said ......
"BLOODY IDIOT, STUPID FOOL" !!! ..............
Why the hell didn't you keep TWO MISTRESSES !!!! _,

DON'T TOW MY CAR

HANDS FREE

TALKING TO THE WALL

A female CNN journalist heard about a very elderly Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was,
walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to
love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

The journalist then asked, "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a wall."

EXACTLY

An 80-year old man walks into the doctor’s office for his regular check-up.
The doctor says to him, “Ahh, Ted, how are you feeling?”

“Great,” says the old man. “I have an 18-year old wife, and she’s pregnant with my child.”
The doctor gives a concerned look and says to Ted, “Ted, let me tell you a story. See, I have this hunter friend and one early morning, he goes out hunting, but is in such a hurry that he grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So, as he is hunting, he spots a lion. He aims at the lion with his umbrella and shoots at it. Bam! The lion falls dead to the ground.”

“What?!” cries the old man. “Why? that’s impossible! Someone else must have shot the lion.”
“Exactly!” says the doctor.

WAIT FOR ME

Teacher: - what's wrong?

Wayne :- our house is very small. Me, my mum, my dad, we sleep on the same bed.

Every night my dad asks, 'Wayne are you sleeping?' Then I say No & then he slaps my face & gives me a Black eye"

Teacher:- tonight when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet & don't answer.
The following morning Wayne comes back with a severe black eye again.

Teacher:- My goodness why the black eye again?

Wayne:- Dad asked me again, Wayne are u sleeping? & I shut up & kept dead still. Then my dad & my mom started moving, you know, at the same time Mum was breathing erotically, kicking her legs up frantically & squealing like a hyena on the bed
.
Then my dad asked my mum, Are u coming? Mum said, Yes I'm coming, are u coming too? Dad answered:- Yes.

They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said “wait for me, I'm also coming

UNBELIEVABLE WEEKEND

An old man who is well dressed and wearing an expensive walked into a jewellery shop with a beautiful and sexy young lady in his hand. He says to the shop assistant, "Show me your most expensive diamond ring!". The assistant then brought out a ring with a huge shiny diamond and said, "This costs $50 000, sir". The old man took out a cheque book and wrote a cheque for $50 000 and hand it over to the assistant. The young beautiful lady was excited and jumped with joy!

However, the assistant replied, "I'm sorry sir, but if you were to pay with cheque, we'll have to clear the cheque first before you'll be able to collect the ring". The old man replied, "It's ok. Just call me on Monday and I'll collect the ring whenever it's ready".

The beautiful lady then gave a deep loving kiss to the old man and they both walked out of the shop.

On Monday, the shop assistant called the old man and said, "I'm sorry sir, but the cheque you have written on Friday bounced and we're unable to give you the ring."

The old man replied, "It's ok! I don't mind, but you wouldn't believe what a weekend I had! "

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Die only once.

BRILLIANT EXAMPLE

Hello! can you read out the two words for me ?

Look at this carefully. It is a brilliant example of British 

humour!

The British government has scrapped the Harrier fleet and 

on their farewell formation fly-past over the Houses of 

Parliament they gave the government a message.

Lean back a bit from your computer monitor and squint. 

Seriously ... push your chair back a couple of feet.

My hat is off to the man who was leading this Squadron. 

BLACK OUT MAGIC

TWO MEN SHARING A ROOM IN A HOSPITAL

TWO MEN SHARING A ROOM IN A HOSPITAL ~

It will take just 37 seconds to read this and change your thinking..

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room...

One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room's only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.

The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation..

Every afternoon, when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.

The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and colour of the world outside.

The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. 

Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm surrounded by flowers of every colour, and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.

As the man by the window described all this in exquisite details, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine this picturesque scene.

One warm afternoon, the man by the window described a parade passing by.

Although the other man could not hear the band - he could see it in his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.

Days, weeks and months passed.

One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep.

She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.

As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.

Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside. 

He strained to slowly turn to look out the window besides the bed.

It faced a blank wall.

The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window.

The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall.

She said, 'Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you.'

Epilogue:

There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations.

Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled.
If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can't buy.

'Today is a gift, that is why it is called The Present .'

The origin of this letter is unknown, but please pass it on.

Share it with friends and tag them so the cycle continues

29 minutes ago

WHAT IS CERTAIN IN LIFE

The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.  'May I help you sir?' she asked. 'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.  'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam. 'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.   Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000. Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'. The man replied, 'Ontario'. 'Really,' she said. 'I have family in Ontario. 'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to personally give you your $15,000 inheritance. ' The moral of the story is that there are three things in life that are certain: 1.  Death 2.  Taxes 3.  Being screwed by a lawyer