Physio was an intelligent boy. After doing a physiotherapy course abroad for 3 years, he returned home and set up a clinic in his hometown.

He asked a designer to make a new name plate to be hung on the wall outside the clinic. The next morning, when he went to his clinic, he was pleased to find that the name plate was already put up. But he was greatly annoyed by the wordings on the plate : TUKANG URUT.  He went to the designer and took him to task.

"How can you insult my profession? 'Tukang Urut' means masseur in Malay. I am a physiotherapist and not a masseur! Make sure you change the name right now! And see that the word is spelt correctly!" Physio said angrily.

The designer apologized and promised to make the changes immediately. Without further delay, he proceeded to change the name but found that the word "physiotherapist' was too long. So he broke it up into three words to make it easier to read.

The next morning, Physio hit the roof when he saw the new name. On the name plate were written :

PHYSIO THE  RAPIST

One night my friends asked me to go out with them. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight. Hours passed and the beers went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m.(a bit loaded) I headed home.

Just as I walked in the door the cookoo clock chimmed 3 times. Afraid that my wife would wake up I quickly cucooed 9 more times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with a quick witted solution.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I had got in. I said: "MIDNIGHT, Like I Said!" She seemed fine with my answer, so I thought that I had gotten away with it. Then my wife promptly told me that we needed to get a new cuckoo clock, I asked why and she said: "Well, last night our cuckoo clock cuckooed 3 times, said oh crap, cuckooed 4 times, cleared its throat, cuckooed 3 more times, giggled, cuckooed 2 more times, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

Your daily jokes

A man is driving down a country road when his car breaks down. As he gets out to find a phone, it starts to rain. About a mile down the road he sees a farm house with the door half open and he goes in.

To his right there's a woman sitting by an open window pulling on her breasts and pointing out of the window. To his left a man sits in the corner holding an umbrella and a condom.

The man leaves thinking they're both crazy. At the next farm house the lady of the house lets him in and he tells what he saw. The lady of the house says: "Don't worry, they're not crazy, neither one can talk, so she was saying 'go milk the cow' and he was saying 'f*ck you, it's raining outside!"

British Humour 5

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor  balcony shaking a carpet. 
I shouted up to him, "what's up Abdul, won't it start?"

British Humour 4

British Humour

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. 

How could anyone stoop so low.

British Humour 3

British Humour

=============================================

Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.

=============================================

British Humour 2

British Humour

During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree. 

A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said "We didn't even know they were living up there".

British Humour 1

British Humour

POLITICALLY INCORRECT 

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque....
They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.

(2)   NAMES OF WIVES A man had 4 wives, and he called his... 4th wife..... Baby doll 3rd wife..... China doll 2nd wife.... Barbie doll 1st wife..... Panadol !

A man is driving down a country road when his car breaks down. As he gets out to find a phone, it starts to rain. About a mile down the road he sees a farm house with the door half open and he goes in.

To his right there's a woman sitting by an open window pulling on her breasts and pointing out of the window. To his left a man sits in the corner holding an umbrella and a condom.

The man leaves thinking they're both crazy. At the next farm house the lady of the house lets him in and he tells what he saw. The lady of the house says: "Don't worry, they're not crazy, neither one can talk, so she was saying 'go milk the cow' and he was saying 'f*ck you, it's raining outside!"

Pure Mathematics 18 n 54      Hi you men out there use your Maths next time...................                A husband wrote the following letter to his wife and left it on the dining room table:  “My Dear Wife,  You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy.  I am very happy with you and value you as a good wife.  Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.  Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight..”  When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:  'My Dear Husband,  I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old.  I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.  As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college...  I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael, one of my students.  He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Maths, you will understand that although it may appear that we are in the same situation, there is one mathematical difference:        18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.'       Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.......

(12) OLD MAN AND YOUNG GIRL
75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr old girl.
On their first night both were crying...... ....Why?? ?
Because she didn't know anything and he had forgotten everything.

(11) VIRGIN 
Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her tombstone to read :
BORN A
VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN. The engraver shortened it to: '
RETURNED UNOPENED '

10) DENTIST

Woman complaining to dentist: 'It's so painful, I'll rather have a baby
than have a tooth removed.'

Dentist: 'Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the chair accordingly. '

(9)     GOOD AMBITION 
Teacher: What do you want to become?
Little Johnny: Doctor !!
Teacher: Why?
Little Johnny: Because its the only profession where u can tell a woman
to
take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.

(8)     SWIMSUIT

Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?
To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section.

(7)   HAPPY MAN
 

What makes a happy man?
Daughter on the cover of Cosmo.
Son on the cover of Sports Illustrated.
Mistress on the cover of Playboy
and .. Wife on the cover of 'Missing Persons'

SEX

(6)   SERVICE

Sex is like a restaurant.
Sometimes you get full satisfactory service and
sometimes you have to be satisfied with self-service

(5)   ARAB MAN

An Arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.

'Your name please?'
'Abdul Aziz'

'Sex?'
'Six times a week!!'
 
'No, no, I mean male or female!'
'Doesn't matter, sometimes even camel!'

(4)   RESEARCH FINDING

Research shows men are fatter than women because every night men get
fresh milk & 2 big papayas while women only get 1 banana, 2 peanuts & 1
tea-spoon of starch!

(3)   HOW INDIA GOT ITS NAME

This is how India got its name.....
The king was having sex with his mistress while thinking a name of his
country and his mistress ask him 'Is it in dear?'

DON'T LOOK AT A NAKED LADY

DON'T LOOK AT A NAKED LADY
Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady?

Boy 2: Because my mum said that if I look at a naked lady, I'll turn
into
stone. A part of me is getting hard already!

A Punjabi lawyer working in UK wrote to his wife in India...








Dear Sunita Darling,



I can't send you my salary this month because the global market crisis has affected my Company's performance, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart, please adjust.









Your loving husband,

Tuna Singh





His wife replied...









TINKU KE PAPPA ,



Thanks for the 100 kisses. Below is the list of expenses I paid with the Kisses...:



1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.



2. The electricity man, Kooldip Singh, agreed not to disconnect only after 7 kisses.



3. Your landlord Kapal Singh comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses instead of the monthly rent.



4. Supermarket owner Jaswant Singh did not accept kisses only, so I gave him other items, I hope you understand..



5. Miscellaneous expenses 40 kisses.



Please don't worry about me, I still have a balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can survive the month using this balance...

Shall I plan the same for the next month?



Your Sweet Heart,

Kichi







NEVER MESS WITH WOMEN

A brilliant young law student

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student: "OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".

Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "

To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.

"All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer

"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."

The first day of school our professor introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn't already know.

I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder.

I turned around to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit up her entire being..

She said, 'Hi handsome. My name is Rose. I'm eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?'

I laughed and enthusiastically responded, 'Of course you may!' and she gave me a giant squeeze..

'Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?' I asked.

She jokingly replied, 'I'm here to meet a rich husband, get married, and have a couple of kids...'

'No seriously,' I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age.

'I always dreamed of having a college education and now I'm getting one!' she told me.

After class we walked to the student union building and shared a chocolate milkshake.

We became instant friends. Every day for the next three months we would leave class together and talk nonstop. I was always mesmerized listening to this 'time machine' as she shared her wisdom and experience with me..

Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and she easily made friends wherever she went. She loved to dress up and she revelled in the attention bestowed upon her from the other students. She was living it up.

At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet I'll never forget what she taught us. She was introduced and stepped up to the podium. As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her three by five cards on the floor.

Frustrated and a little embarrassed she leaned into the microphone and simply said, 'I'm sorry I'm so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is killing me! I'll never get my speech back in order so let me just tell you what I know.'

As we laughed she cleared her throat and began, ' We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing.

There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy, and achieving success.

You have to laugh and find humour every day.

You've got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die.

We have so many people walking around who are dead and don't even know it!

There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up.

If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don't do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old. If I am eighty-seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never do anything I will turn eighty-eight.

Anybody! Can grow older. That doesn't take any talent or ability.

The idea is to grow up by always finding opportunity in change.

Have no regrets.

The elderly usually don't have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do.

The only people who fear death are those with regrets..'

She concluded her speech by courageously singing 'The Rose.'

She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our daily lives.

At the year's end Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those months ago.

One week after graduation Rose died peacefully in her sleep.

Over two thousand college students attended her funeral in tribute to the wonderful woman who taught by example that it's never too late to be all you can possibly be.

When you finish reading this, please send this peaceful word of advice to your friends and family, they'll really enjoy it!

These words have been passed along in loving memory of ROSE.

REMEMBER, GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.

We make a Living by what we get. We make a Life by what we give.

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage. If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

'Good friends are like stars..... ....You don't always see them, but you know they are always there.'

Sardar is back

Sardar is back!... have a few laughs... it helps...

   

Manager asked sardar at an interview.
Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Sardar replied: -P-O-S-T-B-O- X.


After returning back from a foreign trip, sardar asked his wife,
Do I look like a foreigner?
Wife: No! Why?
Sardar: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?


One tourist from U.. S.A. asked Sardar:
Any great man born in this village???
Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!!


Lecturer: write a note on Gandhi Jayanti
So Sardar writes, "Gandhi ji was a great man, but I don't know who is Jayanti


When sardar was traveling with his wife in an auto, the driver adjusted the mirror. Sardar shouted,
"You are trying to see my wife? Sit behind. I will drive.


Interviewer: just imagine you are on the 3rd floor, it caught fire and how will you escape?
Sardar: its simple. I will stop my imagination! !!


Sardar: My mobile bill how much?
Call centre girl: sir, just dial 123 to know current bill status
Sardar: Stupid, not CURRENT BILL my MOBILE BILL.

Sardar: I think that girl is deaf..
Friend: How do u know?
Sardar: I told her that I Love her, but she said her chappals are new

Friend: I got a brand new Ford IKON for my wife!
Sardar: Wow!!! That's an unbelievable exchange offer!!!

Teacher: Which is the oldest animal in world?
Sardar: ZEBRA
Teacher: How?
Sardar: Bcoz it is Black & White

Sardar attending an interview in Software Company.
Manager: Do U know MS Office?
Sardar: If U give me the address I will go there sir.

Sardar in airplane going 2 Bombay .. While its landing he shouted: " Bombay ... Bombay "
Air hostess said: "B silent."
Sardar: "Ok... Ombay. Ombay"

Teacher: "What is common between JESUS, KRISHNA , RAM, GANDHI and BUDHA?"
Sardar: "All are born on government holidays...!!!

Sardar: Miss, Did u call my mobile?
Teacher: Me? No, why?
Sardar: Yesterday I saw in my mobile- 1 Miss Call". (Had never thought of it)

TWO OLD FOGEYS

Two old fogeys

Two very elderly friends, Max and Gus, met in the park every day to feed the
pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Gus didn't
show up. Max didn't think much about it, figured maybe he had a cold or some
such.

But after Gus hadn't shown up for a week or so Max really got worried.
The only time they spent together was at the park, and Max couldn't remember
where Gus said he lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to
him.

A month passed and Max figured old Gus had gone to his heavenly reward, but
one day Max approached the park and, lo and behold, there sat Gus!

Max was very excited and happy to see him and told him so! Then he said,
"For crying out loud Gus, what happened to you???"

"I have been in jail," Gus
replied.
"Jail?" cried Max, "What in the world for?"

"Well," Gus said, "You know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at
the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?"

"Yeah" said Max, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day last month she got mad at me and to get even, she
charged me with rape. I was so proud of what everyone would think an old
goat like me could still do, that when I got into court, I pled
'Guilty'."

"The judge took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury."

BP great story

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?' 'I'm out of gas,' the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. 'Try it now,' said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'? The bee answered, Wait for it. wait for it..

You're just gonna love this..

TWO OLD GALS

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking..

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

Football - Why 45 minutes

With World Cup just round the corner, some basic simple facts that you've just got to know. So, tell me WHY?

Why football is played for 45 minutes in each half?

Those who thought of this must have lots of time
Why people play football for 45 minutes, not 30 minutes or 1 hour?
Even the sports scientist and some of the senior players could not give the right answer.
In that confusing situation one person came up with a reasonable answer.

He said......."The reason people play this game for 45 minutes is...

There are 2 teams and there are 11 players in each team.
Each player brings his own "2 balls"
So in total there are 44 balls.
There is one ball on the ground itself. Thus the grand total is 45.

Question Answered !!!

Sometimes there is extra time of 2 mins which is the referee's balls!



HeHeHe......



Cheers!

Man with the BIGGEST cock I've ever seen

Dear Friends,

A picture of a Man with his really big cock.
Heaven forgive your Dirty mind

Don't break the elastic

To my phenomenal friends! 
  
Read to the end, you will laugh just picturing it happening.
I love the thoughts she lives by!!!
I didn't break the  elastic...


Don't  break the elastic!
In April, Maya Angelou was interviewed by  Oprah on her 70+ birthday. Oprah asked her what she thought of  growing older.
And, there on television, she said it was  'exciting...'
Regarding body changes, she said there were many,  occurring every day.....like her breasts. They seem to be in a  race to see which will reach her waist, first.

The audience  laughed so hard they cried. She is such a simple and honest woman,  with so much wisdom in her words!

Maya Angelou said  this:
'I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it  seems today, life does go on, and it will be better  tomorrow.'

'I've learned that you can tell a lot about a  person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day,  lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.'

'I've  learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents,  you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.'

'I've  learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as making a  life.'

'I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second  chance.'

'I've learned that you shouldn't go through life  with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw  some things back...'

'I've learned that whenever I decide  something with an open heart, I usuall y make the right  decision.'

'I've learned that even when I have pains, I  don't have to be one.'

'I've learned that every day you  should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or  just a friendly pat on the back....'

'I've learned that I  still have a lot to learn..'

'I've learned that people will  forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people  will never forget how you made them feel.'

Please send this  to five phenomenal women today... and  back to me if you think I'm one also.
If you do, something good  will happen: You will boost another woman's self-esteem.

If  you don't....the elastic will break and your underpants will fall  down around your ankles!
Believe me, I didn't take any chances  on MY elastic breaking.....I sent it to a lot of special women I  care for. 
 

BRILLIANT JOKE

To: 

An absolutely Brilliant Joke, ENJOY!!! ..................... A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog In a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times of it!" The woman Said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will Be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM- she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM- she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like to have a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good! Male readers: Please scroll down. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The man had a heart attack ten times "milder" than his wife!!! Moral of the story : Women only think they're really smart . Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

Seow Foong and the screwing Lawyer .....

The “mummy” first looked through the peep-hole, and saw a good-looking

face.  She opened the heavy door, and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed,

and handsome man in his late forties or early fifties.

'May I help you sir?' she asked.

'I want to see Seow Foong,' the man replied.

'Mister, Seow Foong is one of our most expensive ladies.

Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the mummy.

'No, I must see Seow Foong,' he replied.

Just then, Seow Foong gorgeously appeared and announced to the man she

charged 5,000 ringgit a visit.  Without hesitation, the man pulled out a bundle

of notes, countered them, and handed to Seow Foong.  They then went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Seow Foong.

Seow Foong again explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as

she was too expensive.   And that there was to be no discount.  It was still RM5,000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Seow Foonge, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.  Everyone was most astounded that

he came for a third consecutive night, but he paid Seow Foong and they went upstairs.

After their session, Seow Foong said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three

nights in a row. Where are you from?'.

The man replied, 'Penang, Cintra Street.'.

'Really?' she said. 'I have my family in Cintra Street too.'

'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her lawyer.

She asked me to give you your 15,000 ringgit inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that there are three things in life that are certain:

1. Death
2. Inheritance, if there is anything left.
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Ha ! have a good laugh

A  18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says 'who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later an AMG Mercedes stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Mercedes and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them:

Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take responsibility for my actions.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account..

If twins, they will each receive a factory and $2,000,000 .'

Finally, for causing such social embarrassment and distress to you both I would like to offer $1,000,000 in compensation, my private yacht, and Gold Coast penthouse to be at your disposal at any time.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent the entire time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him..

'You do again.'

ELECTION JOKE

THIS IS A NON-PARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY All PARTIES!
NOT ONLY THAT-- it iS POLITICALLY ABSOLUTELY  CORRECT!!

While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the  entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.. 'Before you settle in,  it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I  have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,'  says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with  that, St. Peter  escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down  to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green  golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it  are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with  him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had  while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a  friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and  champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time  to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group  of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.  They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by  and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and  another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it  before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but  I think I would be better off  in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,  down, down to hell.

Now the doors of  the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with  waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his  shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says,'Yesterday we were campaigning... ... 

Today you voted

Poems written by WIFE and HUSBAND...

WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.

HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Guinness.
He saw me in the dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.

HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?

WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but laughing at you.

Ah Beng choosing a bride...have a good laugh

Ah Beng's mom was very concerned that her middle-aged son has not shown the slightest indication of getting married. So one day she called him over to her house. Ah Beng went over after work, grudgingly. Upon arriving, he found his mother had gathered a few pretty girls at the house for him to choose as his future bride. The FIRST one was a well-endowed Telephonist-cum-Receptionist. Ah Beng immediately commented: 'Aiyaa..... Mother, they always say..... PLEASE HOLD ON, HOLD ON............' The SECOND candidate was a leggy secretary. She was also rejected. Reason being: 'Aiyaa.... Mother, Secretary always fond of saying 'NOT IN, NOT IN........' By this time, the mother is nearing frustration. She called a sweet but plain-looking Teacher. This time Ah Beng agreed!! The Mother was surprised and asked: 'Why this one? I thought the earlier two were a lot better. Ah Beng replied: 'Teachers very good, very good, always say: I WANT YOU TO DO IT AGAIN, I want it done 100 times.... SOME MORE, SOME MORE.....!' Her youngest 15 years old son was listening quietly all this while at the other end of the room. Suddenly, he shouted: 'Brother.... the mini bus lady Conductor is much better laah... she always says: 'NAIK CEPAT, NAIK CEPAT..... MASUK, MASUK...... MASUK LAGI, DALAM LAGI..... DALAM LAGI LAAAAH, MASUK BELAKANG..... BELAKANG LAGI, BELAKANG BANYAK KOSONG.....' The mother fainted....

Financial planning

Financial planning.....
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
 

Have a good laugh

A  man joined a very exclusive nudist colony.

On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area.

A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.

The  woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'did you call for me?'

The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'

She  said, 'You must  be new  here.  Let me explain.  It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'

Smiling, she led him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.

Later,  the man continued to explore the colony's facilities.

He entered the sauna and as he sat  down, he farted.

Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him.

'Did you call for me?' asked the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?'  replied the newcomer.

'You must be new.' answered the hairy man, 'It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.'

The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.

The  newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he
was greeted by a smiling,  naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked.

'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replied,  'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.'

'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old.  I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day.  I'm outta here!'

Asking for a raise

一封員工要求加薪的英文信，以及老闆的回信 (真是高手過招，不看會遺憾哦! )

A letter asking for an increment in pay by an employee n the boss' reply.

Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ .  worker$who have given $o much $upport including$weat and $ervice to your company. 
I am   $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond   $oon.

Your$   $incerely, 
Marian $hih

第二天，她收到了老闆的回信：

The 2nd day she received a reply from her boss: 

Dear Marian

I kNOw you have been working very hard.NOwadays,NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet. 
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad. 
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean. 
 

Yours truly, 
Manager